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CHICK COMICS THEATER: Halloween Is Satan's Birthday!
liquorhead - 08/05/00

In our latest episode of CHICK COMICS THEATER, we'll take a look at the 1991 gem "BOO!", which attacks the evils of Halloween by using a horror movie style parody that's about as gruesome as the holiday it's attacking.

Boy that Jack Chick is a subtle one with the names. Not only do these poor kids go to Salem High (maybe they just like menthol cigarettes), but they're gonna hang out at Camp Basil Bub. I don't know about you, but something tells me evil is afoot. One thing strikes me as cool is this lucky High School that not only a sponsored Halloween party, but can go camping to attend it as well? 13 People killed be damned, the chance for drinking and sex is worth the risk! And don't you love how when Charlie exclaims "What?", he's also thinking "Gasp!" Truly an ambidextrous thinker.

OK...what kind of school plans a party for their students, with an endorsed cat sacrifice? And dig the crazy dude who's giving them the stern warning in the first part of this cartoon, but is busy yucking it up when he learns of the plans to split open the poor pussy. And you know you can't trust anyone who laughs with a "HAW! HAW!" in a Jack Chick Comic..., that's a big no no. We see Satan in the shadows (with his pet snake on a leash, nice touch), who forgot his chainsaw! You know, it's that kind of forgetfullness that got him kicked out of Heaven in the first place.

So this wild crowd of high schoolers is more interested in seeing a cat cut up than making out and boozing it up? Must be the Dungeons and Dragons Club from that earlier comic we reviewed. And despite admitting that he forgot his chainsaw just panels before, here comes ol' Basil Bub with his McCullough blazing. And why is that sheriff eating cake with a hacksaw blade sticking out of it? I'm beginning to think this whole town deserves to die.

You know, if I was The Devil, and wanted to freak people out and kill them, I think I would have scrapped the bucktooth pumpkin head a bit earlier. And what's up with that lame body count? Nearly half a day has passed and Satan's only taken out 19? Why back in the day...

This kid has a serious anger management problem. Wouldn't you think Satan would pick a more easy target than a church to choose more victims? You know, as he runs away, it's apparent that Jack Chick got his artistic inspiration for Satan from a label of Underwood Deviled Ham.

Though not quite as stirring as Joey's heartfelt talk about The Easter Bunny's fall from heaven, a moving moment with the Pastor nonetheless.

So Satan is seducing the youth of the world through candy and wearing cheap Pokemon and Darth Maul costumes? That insane genius!

Waitaminute? "As we get closer to the second coming of Jesus...Satanism will increase...so will human sacrifice?" Ha ha! That claim is so goofy he doesn't even bother putting a bogus Bible verse to back it up underneath. Course it's a tragedy to see those Druids sacrificing Bettie Page so callously.

Of all the evil things to attack, we've got Satanic Sacrifices? I mean come on, do we even have more than 3 of those in America per year? And those are usually at the Republican conventinos. WITCHCRAFT IS EXPLODING among kids today. Well, Pastor, I think you need to start working a little harder, and stop wasting your time talking to starstruck boys, don't you?

I love how Chick uses Lucifer Dethroned and Blood on the Doorposts, two books published by...you guessed it JACK CHICK, as sources for his damning info on the history of Halloween. That's akin to the tobacco industry paying for studies that show that smoking is safe. But kudos to Chick for giving Satan equal time to warn you not to read anymore.

You know, if I end up in Hell, I would hope I can use better swear words than "You Rat!". I mean why do you have to hold back? What's the worst that's gonna happen if you shout "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY ASS IS ON FIRE!" at that point?

Well I hope you take these words wisely. Halloween is Satan's trick to get all of you suckered into Hell. Every bite size Mounds you give a trick or treater is a sugary taste of everlasting damnation. You know, not a day goes by where there isn't another damn human sacrifice in the evening news! The madness must stop!

Seriously, I'll tell you what. I'm all for human sacrifice. If you don't give these devil worshippers something constructive to do, they're gonna do even more wicked thing like run for political office, telemarketing, or masterminding an Air Supply Reunion tour.

Next time a kid comes to your door trick or treating, do what I do. Take their candy from them, put it in your cupboard for safe keeping, and give them a Jack Chick comic instead.