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CHICK COMICS THEATER: Rock Music...Inside Satan's Boombox
liquorhead - 07/22/00


In our latest installment of CHICK COMIC THEATER, we take a look at the 1989 classic religious tract, ANGELS, by Jack Chick himself. Long known to be the root of all evil since the 50s, Mr. Chick bravely tackles the behind the scenes look of how Satan gets to the world through the demonic power of Rock Music.


So a shady preacher ends up shorting a band $300 less than promised. Isn't he the real problem here? Of course, you have to question the sanity of a group in 1989 that's still trying to model their financial success against STRYPER. I love how they're so baffled saying, "We were putting Jesus in our lyrics just like the other groups who play in churches." Yeah, but they probably weren't singing songs like, "Cat Scratch Jesus", "Cum On Feel the Lord", and "Bark At The Moon, Christ".


OK, Warning Sign #1...when a stranger approaches you and your pals in a restaraunt at night, and offers you $500 each to play for him, he probably really means with him.


Notice he promises them "the best of everything", but leaves out oral sex from Pamela Anderson? I don't think this guy's for real.


Ahhh...so Mr. Siffer's first name is "Lew". LEW SIFFER! These guys still don't get it, even after signing contracts in their own blood. These guys are none too bright. Though that's usually the case with folks who's laughter is spelled "HAW! HAW!" By the way, Lew Siffer looks remarkably like Julio Iglesias. Something's amiss.


So accoring to Mr. Siffer, even Hippies were a part of his master plan. Though he left out The Osmonds and The Jackson 5, you know damn well Satan was behind that! Dig how his timeline shows the music eras categorized as "SOFT", "HARD", and "HEAVY". I imagine the fourth box was going to say "EVEN HEAVIER", "ROCK HARD", "REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD", or "BOY BANDS".


OK...time to dig out The Bible here. That particular passage in Romans says nothing about that, and focuses mostly on sexual behavior like, "Men do shameful things with each other, and as a result bring upon themselves the punishment they deserve for their wrongdoing." I wonder if he was mixing that quote up from the time he signed up The Village People? And what are they trying to get at by suggesting that Satan corrupted Classical music, too? With everything he's claiming responsibiliy for, it seems that the only music left that's okay with God is Polka. At least he cops to being behind Country music. That would explain the whole Billy Ray Cyrus thing.


Another not too subtle anti-Catholic jab from ol' Jack Chick. Hey, if the Roman Catholics were behind the rise of Heavy Metal in the 80s, don't you'd think they'd find someone more Italian than Dee Snider and Ozzy to take the ball and run with it?


"We're Gonna Rock Rock Rock...Rock with The Rock!" Man with lyrics like that, how could you NOT ensare the minds of the world's youth? I love how the backlash starts when someone in the band says they're bigger than Satan. Yeah, he'll push The Beatles when they say they're bigger than Jesus, but don't mix it up, or you'll get...AIDS? What the...? At least Bobby's willing to get married despite that threat. Now that's true love!


How out of touch is Jack Chick, anyway? If you zoom in on the back of the guy's jacket in the last panel, you can see it says "CREAM". Yeah, all the cool metalheads of the late 80s were listening to them.


OK...this just gets completely nutty. Not only do his bandmates get AIDS and overdose, but one of them is now into Vampirism!!??!! WTF? I love how he finally puts it together that "Lew Siffer" is really "Lucifer". Little does Tom know that God has no room in heaven for people that stupid.


How exactly did Tom learn the hard way? I guess that traumatic experience of being in a number one band complete with sex and groupies would be enough to turn anyone around.

So there you have it. Though highly interesting and informative in matters of music history, I don't think Jack Chick does an effective job of proving that Satan is behind all music (Yes, even Christian Rock). You know, if Satan wanted to rule the world through Heavy Metal, don't you think he'd do a better job than Poison and Quiet Riot? Suggesting that Hard Rock promotes evil, is as prepostrous as claiming The Indigo Girls and kd Lang promote lesbianism.

OK, that's not a good example, but you get what I mean.

-liquorhead